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A guy comes up to a woman at the office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes to her supervisor
to file a sexual harassment suit. The supervisor says, "What's wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies, "he's a midget".
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the
back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. "So what's going on here?"
he asks. The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."The cop says,
"I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat. "The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to
do next!"
A fellow is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth
wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did
you put in my mouth?" He says, "Two aspirin." She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says,
"That's all I wanted to hear..."
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street, in Hohenwald, when he saw his buddy, Bubba, driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a big-wide, toothless grin. "Hey, Bubby, where'd you get the new truck?!?" "Bobby
Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you?? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on State Road 48, out past Shubert, when Bobby Sue
pulled off the road. She put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off
all of her clothes, and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. "So I took the truck!" "Bubby, you done good!
Them clothes woulda never fit you!
What is Tampons new slogan? We may not be #1 but we're up there!
Did you hear about the gay fellow who put a nicotine patch on his pecker? Well he is down to two butts a day.
What do you call three lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and
tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great,
just great.....some asshole's got my pen."
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this logic. . .
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager
appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that
were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager
says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows,"complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could
have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right,"says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife. "But I didn't!" exclaims
the Manager. "Well," the man replies,"she was here, and you could have.
A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested
a taxi. The taxi arrived, and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard,
scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house, because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi, while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going upstairs, to say goodbye to my mother. "A few minutes later, the husband gets into the
cab. "Sorry I took so long, "he says, as they drive away." Stupid bitch was hiding under he bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket, to keep her from scratching me. But it
worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs, and threw her out into the back yard!
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll
be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to
be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride
said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're
here or not."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and
wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just
want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he
replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
The husband complained "You never cry out when you orgasm." "How do you know" she replied, "you
are never there."
A woman goes to her Gynecologist complaining of pain during intercourse. "Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts
terribly!" she exclaims. The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?" "I would...but
I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,
etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having
worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about
himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there,
at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman
got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came
the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob once we get there?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he
got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie
replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past
the long line of cabs the businessman gave big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants it again and the
guy complies. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have
to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look,
I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if
you'll take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks
on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making
love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers "To tell you the truth,
I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow
that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The
man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You
shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you
I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will report him." The elderly man
says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing
to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked
like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been
quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a
room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but
before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand,"
I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court
to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent
hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the
morning?" I said, "I' looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday.
Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of
town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything
else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun
was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't
find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided
to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The
machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after
coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were
walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't
you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife
says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk".
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: "Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute,
the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors,
somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made
up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt
in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired
the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh,
we did look, but your client didn't."
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard,
don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're
single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the
boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack,10-pack, or a family pack. "I'm really going to give it to this
girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist,
with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the
boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10
minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I
had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says,"Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure", he
says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this
the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one? "The guy says: "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough
to crawl back into."
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After a while
the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few
minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the
tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded,
'It's a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery or drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.' The
cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?'The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit
a camel.'
There was this married couple. The wife was very upset because the husband was always after her for sex. She finally got
so upset she went to the doctor to see if there was anything she could go. The doctor told her to start charging her husband
for sex. The woman replied that she could not charge her own husband for sex. The doctor said just give it a try and let me
know what happens. Later that day when her husband came home, he wanted to have sex. The wife replied, "It is going to
cost you." "WHAT?" the husband exclaimed. "Well it will cost you $10 to do it on the floor, $20 to do
it on the couch, and $30 to do it on the bed." The husband thought this over and handed his wife $30. She said, "Ok,
come on lets go in the bedroom. "The husband replied, "No, I want it 3 times on the floor!"
Two men were walking down the street. One guy says to the other guy, you have any money I'm thirsty? His partner says
"no, all I have is a quarter". So he says let me have it I'll be right back. I got a plan. Five minutes later he
comes back with a stick of salami. I thought you said you were thirsty? Yeah, this is the plan. We go into the bar, drink
all we want, and when the bartender ask us to pay, I'll whip the salami out my pants, you get on your knees and start sucking
it. then the bartender will throw us out and we don't have to pay! So they go to the bar, drink $40 of beer. Bartender says
that be $40. He whipped out the salami and his friend starts sucking it. The bartender says "get the hell out of my bar
you perverts". So they got away without paying. Seeing how sucessful they were, they hit about 4 more bars. So they're
both drunk and decided to call it a night and on the way home, one guy says "I'm hungry you mind if get a piece of that
salami?" his partner says to him "There's none left, man I ate that thing after we left that second bar."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the
ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How
is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Why is it that when you transport something by car its called a shipment but when you transport something by ship its
called cargo?
There was a Rabbi who went to the Catholic Priest at the church and asked "How do you get the money to make your
church so beautiful?". Father said "We hear confessions; observe while I demonstrate". So the priest gets
in the center compartment, the Rabbi on one side and in walks the first penitent. "It's been one week since my last confession
and I have commited adultery three times". Father says "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put five dollars in
the collection box and your sins will be forgiven". The next penitent walks in and says "It's been one week since
my last confession and I've committed adultery three times". Father says "For your penance say a Hail Mary and put
five dollars in the collection box and your sins will be forgiven". The Rabbi says, "Ooh, can I try?" So the
priest and the Rabbi switch booths. In walks the next penitent. "Can I help you" says the Rabbi. The penitent says
"It's been one week since my last confession and I've committed adultery two times". The Rabbi says "Go out
and do it a third time; we have a special, three for five dollars!"
What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A bellybutton.
There were two gay guys in a shower. One of them leaves and tells the other one, "Don't do anything while I'm gone".
As soon as he comes back, he sees sperm all over the walls in the shower. After seeing that he replies, "I thought I
told you not to do anything while I'm gone". The other guy then replied, "I didn't, all I did was farted".
A guy loves his girlfriend, Wendy, so much that he tatooed her name on his dick. When he does not have an erection, only
"W" is seen. So after marriage they went to a nude beach in Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy was so proud walking
around with his wife's name on his dick. He went to the bar and saw the bartender also had a "W" on his dick."What
a coincidence" said the guy, "is your wife named Wendy too?" No said the bartender, my dick says "Welcome
to Jamaica have a nice day."
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young
man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs
down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can
do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment...But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99
a minute?
Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register. The cashier looks at the boy and says,
"Hi. Are these for your mom?" Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no." The cashier says,
"Oh. Then they're for your sister?" Little Johnny says, "Naw." The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh.
Then they must be for your granny!" Little Johnny says, "Nope." The cashier is now really confused. Finally
she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?" Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV,
they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to
sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house
and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?"
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you
selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could
have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After
considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would
be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned
her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in
the left kneecap.
One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's
idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr.
Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you
are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious
and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." "What! My brother,
the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" "He named your daughter Denise." "Hey,
not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?" "He named your son Denephew."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the
visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the
paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last
Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only
rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt
Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the
pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up
she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know
if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off
playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.
One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The
other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get
this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
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