|
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I
was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
There were 3 women, a brunette, redhead and a blonde. They all work together. Everyday they notice that their boss left
work a little early. So one day they met together and decieded that when the boss left, they would leave early, too. The boss
left and so did they. The brunette went home and relaxed watching some tv. The redhead went home for a quick work out before
her date. The blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her
boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day the redhead and brunette are talking about leaving early again. They ask
the blonde if she want to leave early again. "No", she says, "yesterday, I nearly got caught."
A blonde calls the fire department and yells, "Help me, help me, my house is on fire." The chief replied, "Ok,
how do we get there? "The blonde says, "Duh, the red truck!"
Do you know why they don't let blondes work for the M&M company? They keep throwing away the W's.
What happened to the blonde who tried to blow up a bus? She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ears!
How do you get a blonde woman on a roof? Tell her the drinks are on the house.
What did the blonde say to her boyfriend in the hot tub? "Are you sure if you take your finger out I will sink?"
Why do brunettes take blondes shopping with them? So they can park in the handicap spaces.
How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside down.
How does a blond turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
Why do blonde women have bruises around their bellybuttons? Because there are blonde guys also!
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She picks up her clothes and goes back home!
What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer? The joystick's wet.
Do you know why blondes can't count to 70? Because 69 is a mouthful.
What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear. A wind tunnel.
How do you find a blonde in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign thatread: 'DisneyLand Left.'So
they went home.
What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme!
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? The brick only gets laid once.
What's the difference between a blonde and a skating rink? A skating rink gets cleaned after every period!
Why did the blonde have lipstick on her steering wheel? She was trying to blow the horn.
What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men? Their ankles.
Did you hear about the two blondes found frozen to death at the drive-in theater? They had gone to see "Closed For
The Winter".
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she forgot where she put her pencil.
Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror, looks in it, again, and again. Puzzled, she
says to her friend, "I just know I've seen this face before!" "Give it to me", says the other blonde.
She looks in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly! It's me!!"
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do
something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and
locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets
all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe
her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in
triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"
A blonde went to the appliance store sale andfound a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV,"she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell toblondes," he replied.She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," hereplied. "Darn, he recognized
me," she thought. She wentfor a complete disguise this time, haircut and newcolor, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited
afew days before she again approached the salesman."I would like to buy this TV."Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,"
he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he
replied.
A blonde bought a new pair of shoes but told her husband she couldn't wear them for three days. When her husband asked
why, she replied, "Because the shoe salesman said the may not be comfortable for the first couple of days."
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk
responds, "It's a thermos." The blonde then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde,
asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle," she replies.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried
to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coathanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend
said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "It's a SCARF!"
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach
because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.' The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and
she says 'I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.' The stewardesses
don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The
co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, 'I told her the front half of
the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica'.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and
I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help
with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces
for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have
a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg? Nothing, they have never met.
A group of blondes walk into a bar screaming 51 days, they order a round of drinks still screaming 51 days, the bartender
wants to know what the 51 days is all about but just can't ask. A while later after many drinks the blondes are still screaming
51 days so the bartender decides he has to ask, as he delivers the next round to the ladies he says "Ladies I have to
know what's the 51 days about?" The blondes replied "We had a puzzle and on the box it said 2-5 years and we did
it in 51 days"
Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
So this blonde lady is in the mall, and she's in the mood for some ice cream. She walks up to Baskin Robins and starts
looking at the choices. "What can I get for you lady?" the Ice Cream Manasks. "Hmmm... how about a triple scoop
of chocolate ice cream please," she says. "Oh I'm sorry lady, we just ran out of chocolate so can you please pick
something else?" the ice cream man says. "Oh sure OK, let's see," the lady says, "OK how about making
me a chocolate milkshake then." Andthe ice cream man says, "Lady I just told you I ran out of chocolate so I can't
make you a chocolate milkshake. Would you like to try something else?" "Oh yeah, right OK," the lady says as
she looks up and down the menu, "Alright then fix me up a chocolate float." So now the ice cream man is kind of
irritated. He asks the lady, "Lady canyou answer a few simple questions for me?" "Sure," she says. "OK,"
the ice cream man says, "How do you spell'van' as in 'vanilla'?" "That's easy," she says"V-A-N"
"Very good," the ice cream man says, "Now how do you spell 'straw' as in 'strawberry'?" "Oh that's
S-T-R-A-W," the lady replies. "Great," the ice cream man says, "now how do you spell 'fuck' as in 'chocolate'?"
And the lady stops and thinks for a while with a puzzled look on her face. Finally she says, "Hey there is no 'fuck'
in 'chocolate'." And the ice cream man quickly fires back, "That's what I've been trying to tell you lady! There
is no fuckin' chocolate!"
What do blondes and screen doors have in commom? The more you bang 'em the looser they get.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip
a day, and repeat these same steps for 3 weeks. The next time you come here, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When
the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
"Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded..."I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping!"
A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at a bar enjoying a can of beer. The Brunette said: "I smell sperm!" The
Blonde said "Sorry, I Burped!"
How do you make a one-armed blonde fall out of a tree? Wave to her!
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary
"tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started
to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut yet another hole. Again,
from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way
down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied,
"No...this is the manager of the hockey rink..."
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, You should know five things.....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if I'm gonna have
to explain it five times."
What does a blonde say when she's asked if she's sexually active? No, I just lie there.
Why are blondes quiet during sex? Because they were told not to talk to strangers.
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned
and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg
and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See?
It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index
finger."
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please.
I could never eat twelve pieces.''
There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging of a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one of them had to get
off. They argued and argued and finally the brunette said ''I'll go.'' The brunette made a touching speech and all the blondes
clapped.
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger
or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" "Why sure," said the manager, "we have
something that works especially well for that." A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde
was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her
arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant
of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself
to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby,
the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to
her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever
I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady,
that's your air freshener!"
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality."If
you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."
|
