1. Sorry about your bar mitzvah accident...
I hope they can reattach it

2. Sorry to hear about your failed suicide attempt...
I. No one likes a quitter
II. I hear the third times a charm
III. Practice makes perfect

3. Happy Birthday...
I have a feeling there won't be another

4. Sorry to hear about your family loss...
I. They had it coming though
II. At least it wasn't you
III. It should have been you
IV. Bad things happen to bad people