1. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

3. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

4. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

5. "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

6. Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

8.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

9.Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

12. I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

13. If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

14. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

15. "I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

16. Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

17. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

18. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

19. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

20. "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

21. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

22. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

23. "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway

24. "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

25. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

26. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

27. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

28. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

29. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

30. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

31. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

32. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.