1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

6. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

7. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.

8. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

9. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

10. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

11. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

12. Sprint up the down escalator.

13. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.

14. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

15. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

16. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

17. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

18. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

19. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...

20. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

21. Play the tuba for change.

22. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.

23. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

24. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell', and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

25. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'.

26. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

27. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

28. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

29. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'

30. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

31. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

32. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'